alone.

alone is what I’ll be forever.

why is it that this wave off loneliness always come crashing on me? Maybe I’m overreacting but this always happens.  I always meet someone and it lasts a while and then its over, just like that.  How am I supposed to trust the other person if I can’t be 100% sure that it will work out.  Its like wondering “When will we break up” all the time.

Everyone wants to be loved but also to be alone sometimes.  Guessing some people are alone for too long

me

I’m a girl. I don’t want to be alone all the time, but I need to be alone sometimes.  At times
I look terrible and all messed up.  I have my off days, and I’m not the prettiest girl around.  I flip out on people sometimes, but I will always love the people I care about. I get it I’m not perfect but when someone gives me a chance to actually be “me” then I won’t disappoint.  

I’m sorry I’m not perfect enough 

tears

Its out 

My secret is out.  The secret I’ve been keeping for almost a year long.

I had this burden I had to carry and it started to eat me up from the inside out.

It made me very depressed and upset.  I went up to my mother and told her i had smoked and drank.

Tears filled her eyes.  Tears full of disappointment.

Its okay I guess, I got it over with.  I just feel like I disappointed her.

must read

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second post 

almost a year ago I found out my parents are getting a divorce.  It was hard seeing that my dad was moving out after 27 years of marriage.  a few days after he moved out we heard he has cancer.   I thought my life was busy ending.  It was the very first time something like this happened in my family.  

My mother and I went to the hospital a few times.  The first time we went the “other woman” was at the hospital.  I almost lost it.  We went into his room and everything around me got dark. It felt like someone was closing doors in front of me and I’m going into this dark world. I said to my mother that I have to leave and the nurse took me out the room to relax.

I never understood why that happened, I guess seeing him being taken care of by a woman who isn’t my mother really hit me hard.  The second time we went I was alone in the room with him and he was really weak, I really thought he wasn’t going to make it.  I asked everyone i knew to just pray.  The next day he was like a new person, I was so thankful for that.

We recieved phonecalls from unknown numbers when he was in the hospital and thought that someone is following us, we had an idea of who it could be, but no one would believe us right.

Everything got very overwhelming, in the first few months of this year I was very emotional about everything that happened and one of my friends told me to go see a therapist. I went to a few sessions and felt like it doesn’t help so much it was more of a session where i pretended to be happy rather then to actually talk about how i feel and so on.

Slowly but surely I’m busy accepting everything happening in my life. 

this blog is about my crazy everyday life